Memories in the Moonlight
by Science-Fantasy93
Summary: James struggles with his thoughts and feelings as he comforts Katie and helps her as she fights off recurring night terrors and memories.


**_Disclaimer: No, I do not own Big Time Rush._**

**_Huge A/N for this one: _****_Okay, so, here's the deal. I know a lot of you are waiting for an update for one of my multi chapter stories, or else you're waiting a review reply from me. The reason why I've been pretty much MIA for almost two weeks is because my laptop crashed. Something went wrong with the hard drive and, long story short, Best Buy can't fix it. I will probably be getting a new one soon, but until that happens, there most likely won't be any chapter updates from me._**

**_The only reason why this one shot is getting posted is because I wrote it on my iPad this evening and then discovered, hey! I can copy and paste it into fanfiction's website. Also, I wanted to let you guys know what was going on with my laptop, though I don't know how many of you will read this story (spoiler alert! It's not a funny one). Also, I'm trying to answer reviews, but I really hate doing it on my iPad, so I think the only ones I've really taken care of are the ones for "Break the Ice". Hopefully I'll be able to make some headway with them soon, but once I have a laptop again, I will make sure I answer them._**

**_As for this story, it's my first attempt at anything remotely hurt/comfort/angsty outside of "Touch the Flame". Plus, I think its more in the stream of consciousness style, so there's very little dialogue, which is a first for me. Just a lot of James' thoughts and feelings and memories regarding the situation with Katie. So yeah, needless to say this is not my usual kind of one shot. But I'm hoping you guys enjoy it nonetheless, because, well, I'd hate to let you guys down anymore than I already have. Plus, its a story (super short one that it is) that I'm already attached to, so please don't hate it! Oh, it's also rated M, so that means some really crappy, non-graphic smut as well. One more thing...I'm fully blaming any typos on my iPad, its keypad, and autocorrect. Its all it's fault, not mine. Kay? Kay._**

**_Now that I've gotten through the massive A/N, enjoy the story :)_**

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**_Memories in the Moonlight_**

**James' POV**

This wasn't the first time this week that Katie had had nightmares. Ever since her dad had left when she was twelve, she's had them at least once a month. From what I'd managed to gather from her screams, in her dreams she would beg him not to leave, to stay for her and Kendall.

Only he never did.

At 17, Katie was truly the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her hair was long and brown, with a reddish tint that was just a shade or two away from auburn. Her eyes were large and brown, like melted chocolate, and her lashes long and dark. She wasn't very tall, only about 5'1 on her good days, but she fully made up for her lack of height with her attitude and confidence.

At least, until it was torn down by night terrors.

They had lessened as she had gotten older, but the last time we had been back home in Minnesota, she and Kendall had had what could be described as an 'unpleasant' run in with their dad. Kendall had punched everything in sight the second he was back in the hotel we were staying in. Gustavo had been forced to fork over a few thousand dollars for the restoration and repair of an antique painting and a vase, but for once he didn't complain. He understood.

Katie, on the other hand, had remained perfectly calm, not once letting it be shown how truly shaken and broken she was.

And that was where I came in. When she would have the dreams, it would be my cue to come into her room, wake her up, and let her take out all her frustrations and anger on me.

Of course, there were also nights like tonight, when I'd be sound asleep and wouldn't even be aware of what was happening. That's when she would crawl in with me.

I sighed as her lips touched mine, the oversized t-shirt she slept in already falling to the floor. Her tiny body pressed against mine, her fingers, slim and small but desperate, raking through my hair, pleading for something to grab.

I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her even closer, trying to kiss her in a way that communicated to her that she was safe and sound and secure, that I wouldn't let anything happen to her. For at least the night, I could be her safe place, her haven, her guarded castle with a moat and drawbridge, the kind that would keep out all kinds of monsters, even dragons and demons. While she was with me, as long as I was holding her, nothing bad could touch her. For the night, she was mine and I was hers, and that was how it needed to be.

She deepened the kiss, pressing her lips against mine all the more forcefully, and when I reached up to cup her face between my hands, my fingers brushed against wetness.

She had woken up crying.

I stroked my thumb down her tear track, rubbing it away like fresh dirt around a scrape. She sighed into my mouth, the tenseness slowly leaving her body like the ocean's tide slowly draining from the sand as the waves died out.

And then her fingers were hitching around the waistband of my sweats, and she yanked them down, letting my boxers follow.

She pulled back so that she could look at me, and in the moonlight washing in through my open window, I could see her eyes shimmering.

I reached up to touch her face once more, and she leaned into my touch.

"Please don't cry," I pleaded, feeling the words escape my lips with almost a desperate need.

She shook her head. "Just...please. I need you, Jamie. I need you."

"You have me," I murmured to her, leaning up do that I could brush my lips against hers. "I'm all yours."

"Please..." for a moment, her voice wavered, and she swallowed hard, before continuing on. "Please just...make love to me? Please?"

It was a strange request, at least coming from her. She usually had so much aggression that she needed to take out that I more often than not walked away with scratches ripping down my back and bloody, swollen lips. It had shocked me a bit the first time it had happened, a few days after we had gotten back from Minnesota. I had been up, getting a glass of water, when I heard her screaming bloody murder. Beyond terrified and alarmed, I had rushed into her room to find her sitting bolt upright, drenched in cold sweat, her body shaking ferociously. I had sat down beside her, taking her into my arms, and she'd curled into me, letting herself finally break down and cry. I'd held her tightly, stroking her back and hair, murmuring comfortingly to her. She had finally calmed down enough to pull back and look up at me. For a split second our eyes had locked, and then her lips were on mine.

We never talked about these nights. We were always back in our own beds by the time the sun was up and the rest of the apartment's inhabitants were waking up. It was expected for me to be sneaking back into bed. I was 21 and had managed to gain a bit of a reputation. But the consequences would have been nothing but awful if I'd been caught in bed with my best friend and band mate's underage sister. We weren't dating, no matter how much I wanted to. I had never told her the truth about my feelings, nor had I felt any particular inclination to do so. There just wasn't a point to it. Katie had already decided that she wasn't going to date until she was in college because she simply didn't like the drama, and I was determined to respect that.

Nevertheless, I had ended my relationships with my fuck buddies the very next morning, after Katie and I had slept together for the first time. I couldn't imagine being with someone else besides her, and I could only hope that she felt the same way about me.

I stared at her for a long moment, taking in the increasingly scared and vulnerable look on her face and the way her body was beginning to hunch itself against mine, before nodding. "Anything for you, Katie-Bear. Anything."

And as much as it pained me to admit, it was the truth. I would do anything for her and not even think twice about it. And I knew why. I had been forced to face the truth the morning after our first time together. And it scared me shitless, but I couldn't change it, nor did I want to.

Katie's lips met mine again, and then I was rolling her under me. Our hands were everywhere, our lips following our hands' lead, and then I was pushing into her and she was arching into me, moaning and whimpering and already gasping out my name.

And this, this was when I was the happiest, when I was with her, when I was releasing her from her pain and memories, when it was just her and me and nothing but the moonlight pouring into the room, bathing the floor in a soft, golden glow, while casting stormy gray shadows on the wall and ceiling.

Just us. It was all I needed, all I would ever need.

She met each thrust with her hips, her finger finding my cheeks as she pulled my face down for another kiss, her body pressed up against mine. I could feel her, warm and tight and wet and just perfect around me, and what I wouldn't do to just freeze this moment, hold time still so that it would never have to end?

And then all too soon, and yet not soon enough, she was once more arching into me and her muscles were spasming around me, her voice hoarse as my name escaped her lips. A few more thrusts and I came undone as well, and I'm not sure what I cried, but I think it was her name, followed by the words I could never take back: "I love you."

She didn't say anything and neither did I. Instead, I just rolled off of her, collapsing on the bed beside her. She rested her head on my chest, her eyes closing, and within a matter of moments she was sound asleep, off to have peaceful, undisturbed dreams.

However, I found myself lying awake a little longer, replaying it all in my head.

I had told her I loved her. I had no idea if she would remember it in the morning, or if she had even heard me at all, but it didn't matter.

In the morning, tonight would just be another memory, but I knew I'd be able to recall perfectly how she felt against me, how the moon's light illuminated her skin, how her face was still damp with tears, how my name had escaped her lips.

Whatever would happen in the future, for tonight I had her, and that was all that mattered to me. Eventually I would come forward with my feelings, and whether she would accept them or not remained to be seen. But I was hopeful, so hopeful. I needed to hang on to the thread of wishes and love I had unknowingly weaved, because it was all I had for the time being.

Tomorrow, life would go on.

But for tonight, I had Katie.

And it was with that thought that I drifted off to sleep, never once letting go of her.

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_**Okay, so, I'll be completely honest. It's not the most cheerful thing I've ever written, and I know the ending is pretty open ended. But I'm hoping that I wrote it okay, and that the fact it's not all wrapped up neatly adds to it. In any case, I'm hoping you guys liked it :) So, please review and let me know what you think, okay? I'm always nervous about posting new stuff, and your feedback usually helps a lot. And I'll do my best to answer your reviews as soon as possible. Love you guys :)**_


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